I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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