some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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