Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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