she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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