I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
