I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
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I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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