TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
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Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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