My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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