i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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