I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
