Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
