Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize