The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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