My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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