Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
