Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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