i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
