Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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