I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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