the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
