ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
