Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
