You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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