hotel room ftw
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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