she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
