She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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