I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
