12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
