you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
