My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
