I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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