Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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