Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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