The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
