Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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