Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
