First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
