I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
