So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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