I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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