More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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