i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
