just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
