I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
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He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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