dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
