Are we in a gay sports bar?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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