duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
