she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
