The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize