How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
