All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
