There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
