Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
