I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
