singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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