my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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